Looking over the blog stats today, seems like we still get people searching and finding a post from August 09. The subject? Early 90’s ITV kids show Bernards Watch. This has always bugged me, so I’m going to set the record straight.
Bernard was an annoying, sanctimous little do-gooding prick with a stupid hair cut that gave the rest of us a bad name.
Everyone has those nostalgia moments. “Ah what a great show Art Attack was”, “Sweep was hilarious”, “The Hurricanes would never have made the Champions League with the new home-grown player laws”, and “did you know Uncle Phil was Shredder from the Turtles?” (look it up)
Then you get to Bernard. Bloody Bernard. And all you think is: “what an twat”
I hated that little bastard. Honestly, what a do-gooding little f*ckwit. He had a watch that actually stopped pissing time and space. And what did he do with it? Chores. F*cking chores. That and helping the bloody elderly across the road or some shite and cheating at f*cking Monopoly. At least the ginger from the Queens Nose had a bit of mischief and a sense of humour about her.
I have had absolutely countless discussions about that show. Usually starting off with what we’d do if we could stop time (steal shit, cheat on exams, make yourself look like some kind of superhero and get allllllll the chicks) and then degenerating into what a massive arse he was.
I mean come on Bernard. For once in your sad little life, be cool! Steal some bloody pick and mix from Woolworths. Stop time and have a bloody lay-in.
Sigh, but no. At least we can be safe in the knowledge that teen bernard would have been mercilessly bullied, and more than likely mugged for the watch by age 14 anyway. Because knowing him, he probably only would have been carrying that and his book of good f*cking deeds
Now this Bernard, this is a watch (or 4). You twat. Utter utter twat.